Chapter 1 - My Masquerade

       Not that its really chapters by any means but if you're on here reading and you see the labels of Chapters then just assume I am going to be basically journaling for this bit. Ugh. Me writing a online blog it just seems absurd to me still, but I have to have some form of venting without being completely dependant on my social media page. I also can't be uber honest when I am on social media.


I feel like while on FB unless I am just in a shitty mood, that I wear a mask, and not even just one mask, but multiple masks. Some people on there know me from all my life, some are family, some are just people I have meet at different jobs I've held over the years, some are my best friends, and some are my closest family, but I wear a different mask for which ever group I am talking to. They're beautiful masks, but they're not quite fully me. I'm a little more raw then a Venetian mask. I'm constantly at battle with myself on the inside. It's not like I am unhappy, I just am not comfortable with how my life is just yet.

I'm getting ready to be hitting my late twenties and I have accomplished absolutely nothing in this life. I'm learning to wear the masks more and more, but I'm scared that when wearing these false facades, my false outward show could swallow me whole, and never let me go.

I don't want to lose me, but what if no one really wants me, maybe they all prefer the masks.

Letters to Thomas

My dearest friend,

    I know you won't read this unless you're reading it over my shoulder while visiting me from heaven. I fucking miss you so much. I hate how things were left between us. For years you were my best friend, and we had so many good times, more good times than bad times even though I honestly still believe you died hating me. Why did you have to tell me that you loved me? Why? Why would you do that to me while I was just beginning my journey of life with Tony? You knew I loved Tony more than words could express, yet you still professed you're love for me while he was at work.

    It's not like we didn't have a chance all those summers ago when we were eighteen and just met. I still remember when we first meet like it was yesterday. I thought I was too cool, and when you asked me for my number I told you to cut your hair first then to come find me. Sure enough you did. Months later at a party, while playing beer pong our eyes met, and history was made little did I know that I was actually in your apartment partying with Papa Mike. I still remember how you tasted on my lips. A softness that my own lips envied. I wanted more, and I know you did too. We never did make love, but we came close a time or two, but we didn't want to ruin our friendship so we started seeing other people. You were hurting at the time, and I couldn't commit to being your rebound girl after you lost Jamie.

    I don't think I would had been able to live after the accident had things been different Thomas. Losing you as my best friend has hurt enough, let alone if I had lost you as my lover. I'm a totally different person now than at the moment of your untimely demise. I still dream that we adventure together. You would love the new Adventure Time seasons. We only got to watch the first season together with Brian and Dalton at the apartment. I still has the dishes you bought me, and it kills me every time I look at them and remember your grandma bringing them all the way from Haubstadt to us so we had things to eat on besides old dennys cartons.

     I really hope that despite the fight we had, and you taking the rent money and running back home, I really just hope you didn't hate me as much as you wrote in your last email to me. I still refer to you as my best friend. You introduced me to some of my favorite bands. I still can't listen to Gotye, The Used, MCR, and many others without thinking of you. I remember when you thought five people on one guitar was just the coolest thing in the world.

I didn't want to keep your stuff Thomas, but what was I suppose to do when you just left me? You just left. You didn't say goodbye, this is the end or anything. You just left me, and it was the last time I ever saw you. Walking out the door with money to pay rent and you just fucking left me, but you get to hate me? I dont think that is fair! I would had given the mattress, tsunami, and your Zelda shirt back to you. I would have given you everything back Thomas. I would had given you everything once upon a time.


                                        This is the end for now. I love you forever and always,
                                         
                                           The girl who only snores without music playing
               
                                                                          =) <3

Introducing my fucked up life

     Everyone always has something going on in their lives. Whether its visible or the person is just holding it all in, but still there is something there just waiting to bust out and be like "Hey I am right fucking here?!?!?! Look at me, Look at me!" almost like a small child begging for attention. That's why my philosophy is do not judge anyone by their appearance. Get to talking to people, learn about that person, and then make your judgements about them. Growing up in southern Indiana you hear the phrase "Don't judge a book by its cover", and I have drove that into my thick skull.
   Over the past year my appearance has completely changed due to a genetic gum disease that I got from my biological mother. Isn't life a bitch? You're twenty-two and gorgeous and all of a sudden you're teeth start just falling out. Everyone looks at me like I am scum of the earth now, and all on account of my teeth. I haven't even told my friends from High School whats going on because they just wouldn't get it. I'm the college drop-out and rebel friend that stayed in her college town where she fell in love with a local man. I chose to live paycheck to paycheck, live in my own house, have my cat Bruce as my best friend, and not live at home for my Mommy and Daddy to take care of me.
    After committing three years to University I should have a degree, but one day while I was sitting in class, while my fluent French professor who is teaching me college level Algebra (Yeah i typed that right. My Prof is a French man with a horrible accent teaching math.) I can hardly understand what in the world he is droning on and on about, when the thought occurs to me "Kandace why the fuck are you sitting here listening to this fuck when France and this college town is all that he knows? Kandace what do you even want to do with your life since teaching jobs are non-existent these days? You are just wasting time and money." At that very moment I felt like I was going to have a panic attack sitting right there at my computer desk. What did I want to do with my life? Where did I see myself in five years down the road? Answer was I didn't see myself anywhere. My future was a black abyss filled with nothing and more nothing. Basically even now that's how it looks. Five years ago in high school I would have told you that today I would be a teacher or a English Professor at some prestigious college on the east coast. Instead I'm sitting here in my pj's, covered up in my SOA blanket, chatting up my Pops on Facebook. Oh how life can surprise you.