Ugh, Its been too long since I made a post but I really hadn't felt the need to share or even wanted to write anything. I've gained friends, lost friends, paid bills, fell behind on bills, fought with my boyfriend every day for stupid reasons. Just the average two months for now twenty three year old woman who hates life.
I shouldn't say I hate life, but I sure as hell have not been enjoying it for quite some time now. I can't quite pinpoint when I became so unhappy with everything. I've always been more of "My glass is half empty" versus "My glass is half full" type of person, but the last lets call it a year I just have not felt like myself. In the beginning I almost assumed that I was pregnant and I just didn't know it yet, but Mother Nature has continued to visit me for the entire year so that can't be the reason. I thought maybe I was falling out of love with my long term boyfriend, but I cry all the time regardless if it was him who upset me or not. So I don't believe it has anything to do with him. I also thought maybe I was just homesick for my friends,family, and hometown but to be honest I can't see myself ever being there again for long term.
I really don't get it. I just want to be happy and carefree like most girls my age, not being afraid to leave her own house, being a loser and not being able to have a job to pay my own bills without help. I'm just so tired of feeling like a loser because I didn't graduate college, and I'm tired of being unemployed for four months out of every year. It puts too much stress on Tony. My unemployment checks every week are a joke. Hell I have to just thru hoops for something thats not even remotely going to cover my bills, just so they can say I didn't fill out paperwork, or go to a meeting when I've been there every other day for a fucking month. Indiana is just a joke of a state.
I just wish that everything would feel semi real and not just a bad dream. I wish my parents really knew how bad off $ wise I am and actually cared enough to help. For that matter I wish my parents had the means to care and help me. More than anything I wish I was a better me. I wish I had the ability to control my own outcome of life. Where would I be if somethings were not predetermined for me?
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